Inner Attacker
From: Madam Zelda and the Army of Shadows
by : Jeanne Marie Nicholson
The mountains in the distance painted the sky with shades of blue: azure, royal, powder all blue blending into the sky. It was a very still day, quite with a hint of hazy moisture in the air.
Lady Whispywind breathed in the crisp cool air, noticed a slight aroma of pine needles and green .
" I smell " green" like grass and leaves and growing things. . she thought to herself.
She took in the view, the expanse of the valley; the rich color tones, and the crispness of the air.
" Yes another amazing place, Madam Z " she said turning towards her.
Madam smiled, she wore her shawl gently draped over her head - it was woven with a fuzzy textured yarn and had the same shades of blue as the mountains in the distance. Her eyes were soft and blue as well.
She took off her shawl and spread it on the soft grass, combing her fingers through her shiny chestnut hair.
" I thought she was a blond", Lady Whispywind thought to herself, replaying her memories of her last visit with Madam Z a few days ago, In fact I don't remember her being so tall... Yet in spite of the variations in her appearance, Lady Whispywind felt certain this was the same person. And besides she had learned to not waste time with questions. .
"Your hair is so pretty"
"Thank you sweetheart --
Now do you feel you are ready for some hard work today?"
"If I didn't know better, I might be a bit worried by that question, " said Lady Whispywind
"Well don't assume you know better , today I do think you are ready for some "dirty work"
It may not be pretty, but in the long run - I think you will find it's worth it... But you must make the choice."
Lady Whispywind thought about what "dirty work" could possibly mean: images of chimney sweeps covered in soot, scrub women on their knees with scrub brushes and buckets of suds... gardeners with dirt under their nails.
"In the past I might have felt that I was too delicate for dirty work, but I am no longer limited by the old rules, I am ready to get dirty!"
" It not just dirty , it could get uncomfortable, miserable even" Warned Madam Z
" and you are telling me that in the long run it will be worth it , then I say lets go "
Very well my Sweet one, as long as you are certain! Because in the long run you will be stronger and better, in the short run it could be miserable. And remember there is no turning back , once we begin "
Madam Zelda paused
"So you are ready? "
Lady Whispywind smiled with confidence and poise:
"fire away" she said with a firm nod.
Madam Zelda walked over to the foot of a sheer rock wall, she caught Lady Whispywind's eye, winked, raised her left hand and snapped her fingers .
Lady Whispywind gasped in delight as the rock wall transformed to reveal a large caverness opening.
As she walked toward the opening and her delight shifted. There was a dank odor coming from the opening and as she drew closer she could hear moaning and snarling coming from somewhere deep down.
She stood at the opening exploring with her eyes, inside the cavern the daylight bounced off the moist walls and pointy stalagmites. The floor was rocky and ruff, she glanced up above the opening and read the words "This is the Home of "Lady Whispywind's Inner Attacker"
"My inner attacker ? she questioned "Whatever is an inner attacker ?" She asked, turning toward Madam Zelda.
Whispy registered only slight surprise at the change in Zelda's appearance. she seemed taller still and was wrapped in a pure white cloak that covered her from the top of her head and cascaded down to sweep along the ground. The white was some how iridescent and yet her blue eyes seemed brighter framed by the hood of the cloak.
"It is difficult to explain exactly what an inner attacker is" she began " and it is even harder to understand that it is an aspect of yourself. Its voice is your voice, though you may not entirely recognize it. And most everyone has one, the best way to understand is to meet it head on."
Lady Whispywind nodded "Cheri o" she said gallantly as she stepped into the cave.
"Wait" Madam Zelda cautioned "lets see if it will come to you, Stand just outside and
call to it , "
And so Lady Whispywind did just that .
"hello " she called "hello hello "
"its me Lady Whispywind your outer . . um person helloo"
"Hello there, Mr. Inner Attacker, come on up!"
She heard more muttering and sputtering "blewar bathedic - blewar bathedic " came a garbled voice .
"What does that mean . . blue war bath epic . . . . is that a code ? " she asked
Zelda nodded solemnly " listen closely and keep calling "
Yew hew, hello come on up from the darkness and dankness " Whispywind felt like a game show host
Come on up, come on out , hello hello , its me !
The stench was getting stronger and the ground was beginning to quake . the mutterings continued "blewar bathedic " pupid ink resses bathedic pupid ink resses bathedic bathedic."
Lady Whispywind didn’t want to admit it but she could feel a sense of fear and dread as the thing drew nearer and nearer.
She gasped for breath as the fumes flowed from the cavern in thick waves. She felt her knees giving way and struggled to remain standing, the feelings of fear and dread were pervasive now and there was more, it was feeling of total revulsion.
Suddenly it was there, gigantic and hideous. It was masculine and hairy and the smell made her stomach lurch. It had three chins and oozing blood shot eyes, its skin was raw and scabbed and bleeding. Its hair was matted and dirty. And it was huge – the belly on the thing hung down to its knees and the hair on the legs and feet was more like a thick dirty fur. It wore a putrid and filthy dirty green tunic.
Lady Whispywind shrieked shrunk back.
"That thing can't be a part of me , she backed away holding her handkerchief to her nose .
The thing looked directly at her and its lip curled
"You are Pathetic!" it blasted at her .
it hit her like a wave – the stench of its breath, the energy of disgust enveloped her .
" You are so Pathetic" it boomed as it looked at her through red rimmed eyes filled with total loathing.
She covered her ears as the words rang through her skull.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw a flash of pink , she straightened and focused and saw a little girl in a pink ballerina dress, spinning and dancing. She recognized the girl.
"Its me" she said , remembering the costume and the recital from her 8 year old performance
the little dancer whirled and stumbled a bit awkwardly
The monsters mocking voice called out
"Oh how cute, of how sweet " Oh what a stupid stupid pink dress" and the monster reached out an impossibly long arm and grasped the little pink girl as if she were a tiny doll and stuffed her into its mouth like she was a chocolate Easter bunny. And then swallowed.
"NOOOO " shouted Lady Whispywind " she is just a little girl - no you can't do that!!" .
the Monster belched " PATHETIC"
Lady Whispywind collapsed into a puddle of tears .
Madam Zelda! Madam Zelda! make it stop! Pleease
Madam Zelda wiped a tear of compassion from her own eye
" It's going to be alright, you need to finish this … "
" No no . .you mean there's more " Whispy cried
Yes, lets just go deeper, you are doing very well, don't worry nothing is real , it's all just a way to grow, heal , learn. Face your inner attacker it is a part of you.
" Oh no, oh please no this is too too much"
Lady Whispywind pleaded in vain , know she must continue .
"WHINER! PAHTETIC WHINER!" the creature boomed .
Lady Whispywind raised her gaze in resignation and saw a young girl, gangly and awkward, with plastic glasses sliding down her nose, crooked teeth, her complexion a mess of teen age pimples.
Lady Whispywind signed with recognition, her teen age years, she could remember the teasing and taunting of the other kids at school. She watched as the young girl tripped and Whispy didn't have the energy to even scream when the creature gobbled up the gangly teenager.
She felt sickened and disgusted, she eyed the creature and it belched again, then it looked directly at her and bellowed
"You MAKE ME SICK! It bellowed louder "YOU Are pathetic"
Lady Whispywind felt the anger rising inside her, her body was on fire with rage, she felt her self starting to scream
" No! You make me sick , You are the one who is pathetic! Do you hear me YOU!
And as she screamed and screamed, something strange happened ; she found that instead of looking at the loathsome creature, (her inner attacker) she was instead looking at a woman.
A woman who was red in the face, her eyes wide with rage, tears streaming down her face.
And Lady Whispywind continued to scream " I hate you, you disgust me"
She recognized that the woman she was looking at was herself and still she continued to scream, hurling insults and condemnation .
She realized that she was inside her inner attacker and still she screamed and raged. She looked upon herself.. and she had no compassion, she felt no warmth and no recognition… she only felt loathing…
And then before her eyes she saw not just one of herself, but hundreds of selves at different moments in her life: a bungled presentation, the time she hurt a friend feelings, mistakes that she had never forgiven herself for, awkward flashes, embarrassing moments, the times she had compromised who she was, the moments she had played small, and all the times she had chickened out on life's opportunities. Like an army of selves they stood before her in a line and she felt her loathing rise.
"Pathetic!" she screamed so hard her whole body shook.
And her rage grew becoming bigger, expansive, all encompassing. Lady Whispywind felt this monster-self loose control and she went crazy . . With a thunderous cry she was stomping on the army of selves , tearing them apart like little plastic dolls , ripping off their arms and biting off their heads. Roaring with the power of it all .
As the rampage continued, standing vigilantly off to the side was Madam Zelda, in her hand a translucent and almost invisible rope that wound it's way gently through the grasses and plants of the mountain then wrapped silently around the ankle of the monster
" Just to be sure things don't get out of hand " she thought to herself.
After a time , the raging and consumption slowly dissipated . Lady Whispywind and the inner attacker stood face to face, mirror images. Standing with their chest puffed out , tall and defiant, their eyes glazed with the energy of raw power.
Lady Whispywind looked through the eyes of her inner attacker and then through the eyes of her human self .
Back and forth, they looked at each other and through each other in a confusing mass of images until they each saw themselves in each others eyes.
In that moment of total recognition, they collapsed, in parallel motion, into a puddle of sobs and tears. Huddled on the ground they each turned away from the other, great gasps of pain, heaving and moaning came from them almost in unison.
And Madam Zelda watched
" Moving along fine, moving along fine" she said softly to herself as she continued to watch the two of them.
She lifted her arms like an orchestra conductor and began to weave the energy in figure eights and infinity symbols. Her long white cloak moving and dancing on the breeze, like the fluffy clouds floating through the mountain air.
She was humming a gentle and soothing tune, healing energy floated through the air , filling and surrounding the figures slumped on the grass.
Soon enough the sobbing died down and there was a silence, a feeling of nothingness. From this stillness the Lady Whispywind found herself reaching out, extending her left hand behind her – grasping for the creature she had been inside, the creature she now recognized. She reached back and found that he was reaching for her as well. Their hands met, and time stood still, only for a breath. Yet born of that still point was level of acceptance, compassion and release.
The mountain rocked gently with a wave of relief.
There was a softly muttered "yes" from Madam Zelda
Lady Whispywind turned her body and wrapped her arms around the creature. The stench and the ugliness were no longer evident to her. She held the creature and cried tears of understanding, acceptance , forgiveness and love.
As she embraced the creature it began to grow smaller , she held it looking into its face, looking into its eyes..
She began to see in succession the faces of her army of selves, and with each face she was engulfed in stronger and stronger waves of compassion and love. And so it continued face after face, the whole time the creature shrinking in her arms, and soon she was holding a child in a pink ballerina dress, a toddler, and then a beautiful baby girl.
"Look at you , you are beautiful " she said to the baby in amazement and awe.
The baby cooed back .
"I love you" said Lady W
And as she said these word the baby turned into a glowing ball of light.
Lady Whispywind hugged the light to her heart and received it into her center.
With tears streaming down her face she lay back in the grass and gazed up at the clouds.
What did it all mean? She had a memory of the horror of it, along with a feeling of being turned inside out and over all a sense of something she couldn't quite describe, Something new and good and different. She used to think her self esteem was good and now she new it never really was . What is this feeling? It is so new?
She sighed
"Very good work Sweetheart " said Madam Zelda as she walked over extending her hand.
Lady Whispywind –looked up almost surprised that Madam was still here .
"Would you say this is complete for now?" queried Madam Zelda
"My God I hope so" said Lady Whispywind as she reached for Zelda's hand .
As their fingers touched there was a flash of light and
Whispy found her self sitting on a big cushy green chair covered with a sky blue shawl in a cozy room surrounded by books .
On the table before her, Madam Zelda was placing a tray. Laden with steaming and calming chamomile tea and cucumber sandwiches.
"Have some nourishment Sweetheart and then you'll want to sleep a bit .." said Zelda
and so . . . she did.
© Copyright 2005 Jeanne Marie Nicholson All rights reserved.
